


Glory Be in the Bathroom!

by LadyIce



Series: How to Train Your Supreme Leader [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/M, Humor, Reylo - Freeform, Sexual Humor, star wars crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 08:51:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6651112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyIce/pseuds/LadyIce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren hears Hux telling sordid tales of sexual escapades and gets curious. Rey has to deal with that curiosity. Yet another crack from my severely cracked mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glory Be in the Bathroom!

“Rey, do you know what a glory hole is?” Kylo Ren asked.

Rey almost spit out her dinner, “Yes, why?”

“Because that degenerate Hux told a story in the breakroom about it. Apparently he went with some of the other cadets while at the academy to some sordid location where one of those would be found. He actually did it,” Kylo said.

“Did what?” Rey asked.

“Put his dick in the hole!”

Rey figured she should looked shocked. While she herself had been inexperienced before meeting Kylo, she had certainly seen enough at Niima Outpost. “Did you really expect any less from Hux? He’ll stick his dick in anything.”

Kylo was also inexperienced before meeting Rey and had seen absolutely nothing in his sheltered existence between his family and the First Order. He would be shocked by banthas mating. “I don’t entirely understand the purpose.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “To get your dick sucked?”

Kylo huffed a bit, “I know that, but by who or even  _ what? _ ”

“That’s part of the kink for some people. Who knows what you’re going to find on the other side of the wall.”

He made a face, “I have a preference of knowing where I’m putting my dick.”

“Why thank you, my love,” she smirked at him. “You’re so romantic and you bring up the best dinner conversation.”

He waved his fork at her, “Whatever.”

* * *

A FEW DAYS LATER...

Kylo and Rey are relaxing in their living room, watching the Holonet, sipping Jabba’s Pomegranate Breeze Wine Coolers. Kylo had given up on trying to hide from Rey that he likes them and it’s just worked out better that way for everyone. Kylo sat his down on one of his Darth Vader coasters from Hoth Topic, “Can you believe the Vader fever that is going on right now? Could there be a better pop culture trend?”

Rey looked around her living room, “I think I’m more of a minimalist when it comes to decorating.”

“I’m not exactly sure why he’s trending in the New Republic, I mean it’s obvious why in the First Order, but I am a fan and since you found grandpa’s head under the bed, I don’t have to keep it hidden anymore.”

“Yes,” Rey smiled, sort of. “Isn’t that wonderful? Hey, a maintenance droid showed up yesterday and did some work in the bathroom while you were out burning a village. Was something broken?”

“I wasn’t burning a village,” he gave her a dirty look. “I do more than burn villages. You know, I don’t even burn the village,” he stopped. “But no, I have no idea why a maintenance droid was here for the bathroom.”

* * *

Later that evening, Rey was taking a long, relaxing shower. Kylo had the shower in his quarters reconfigured just for her, with the main shower head having multiple settings and jets coming from the walls. She sang a soft song as she lathered up with a shower gel Kylo had bought her that smelled like Rominaria flowers from Naboo. He knew her favorite was pomegranate, but she really did like the smell of this one.

She backed up towards the wall a little bit and felt something poke her in her lower back. She reached behind and rubbed her back, not really thinking much of it. She continued to lather up, but when she stepped back again, she was again poked in the back. She turned around to see what was poking her and sticking out of the wall was a dick.

A dick. There was a dick sticking out of her shower wall.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” she screamed and slapped it.

“OW! Damn it, Rey!”

“Kylo?  _ What in the fuck are you doing _ ?”

“I, uh, well.”

“What in the hell is wrong with you? I did not leave the Resistance for THIS!”

“I got curious!” he said.

“Curious about  _ what? _ ” Rey demanded.

Kylo sighed, “Glory holes.”

“What?!”

“Hux. And his stupid story. I got curious but I don’t want to go to some nasty cantina or where ever you find one and more importantly I don’t want anyone but you to do it.”

“How sweet,” Rey deadpanned. “So why is your dick sticking out of the shower wall?”

“I was thinking.”

“There’s your first mistake,” Rey interrupted. “You were thinking.”

“Very funny, Rey. I was thinking if I had a hole cut in the shower wall and I put my dick in it, you would see it and go down on me.”

“Why would I suck on a random dick in my shower?!” she exclaimed.

“And I’m the one not thinking?” he countered. “Why would there be a  _ random _ dick in your shower?”

Rey paused, “OK, fair enough, but how did you possibly think this was a good idea without talking to me first?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise?”

Rey was getting annoyed with talking to Kylo’s dick, “Take note. I don’t like dick surprises. Now pull yourself out of there. This is getting ridiculous. See what I did there?”

“You’re a ball of laughs, Rey. I...I can’t.”

“What?”

“I can’t,” he said. “I measured wrong.”

Rey decided that things couldn’t get anymore ridiculous and began to rinse off. She figured she could finish her shower and talk to Kylo’s dick at the same time, “You measured wrong?”

“I guess. I must not have been completely hard when I measured,” Kylo sounded more and more pathetic as the conversation drew on. “That should be a compliment, I suppose. You arouse me even more in person.”

“Fantastic. So stop thinking about me.”

“You’re wet and naked. I can’t stop thinking about you,” Kylo winced as his erection grew a bit. “You could, uh, you know. Take care of it.”

“Oh no, no way. I’m not rewarding you for being an idiot. Think unsexy thoughts. Think about Hux naked.” She heard Kylo muffle a pained noise. “You fucking pervert!” She smacked his dick again.

“Don’t do that! You know I like it. You’re not helping at all, Rey.”

“I don’t know! Think about Jabba the Hutt naked!”

“He doesn’t wear clothes, Rey.”

“Well, he should. I’m going to dry off and go get dressed.”

“You can’t leave me here alone!” Kylo protested.

“It’s not like anyone can bother you! Wait right there!” She dried off and ran into the bedroom to throw on some clothes. She came back into the refresher and entered the shower, Kylo’s dick still stubbornly protruding from the wall. “You’re about to get the angriest hand job ever.”  She heard him wince and knew she was only making the situation worse.  It was at this point she did the only thing she could think of doing. She went back into the bedroom and called for a cleaning droid. 

* * *

Kylo entered the living room, drying his hair, “Let’s agree to never speak of this again.”

“That is an excellent idea,” Rey replied. “How...are you?”

“I’m a little bruised, but I’ve been through worse battles. You really didn’t need to leave the cleaning droid’s suction cleaner on me for that long.”

“You deserved it for being such a little shit and scaring me with your dick.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he sat down next to her on the couch and put his arms around her. “My dick should only strike fear in the hearts of my enemies.”

Rey snorted and kissed him, “Just stick with your lightsaber.”

* * *

Catch the first three episodes of How to Train Your Supreme Leader at:

 

Episode 1: That Damn Ashtray  
http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/6581023

Episode 2: Jabba's Pomegranate Breeze Wine Coolers  
http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/6580930

Episode 3: The Granddaddy of All Tattoos  
http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/6619450

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for all the feedback already! I really appreciate your comments! This one was so much fun to write. Won't lie, I was laughing as much as I was writing. I know I shouldn't laugh at my own stuff but, come on, Kylo Ren with his dick stuck in a wall? That's just funny no matter what. Thanks again!!


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